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| thanks to sera, rachael yamagata is my new obsession. i love her vocals - so strained, careless and nonchalant. i have to figure out how to dl music, i absolutely dont know what to do with my bit torrent. it doesnt seem to work. obviously, it doesnt help that i am such a mac klutz.
oh rachel. sigh. (new addiction)
in other news, i've watched paris je' taime and it's a beautiful film. no, it's not beautiful in the way i conventionally love my films. i cant articulate it either. perhaps it's in the way how it cajoles my soul to crave for beauty - for more beauty. of all the things i know abt myself, i know im not a literal visualist. i learn thru inspiration and imitation. i cant construct imagery in my mind's eye. i bounce off ideas. i watch and am inspired. i read and am inspired. and i take it from there to construct my own. there's how i learn and create. i need to springboard from somewhere.
perhaps that's why i havent felt the urge to write for sometime. i wasnt inspired much. havent watch enough films, havent read enough. thats why i need to keep watching and reading, though not for the sake of activity and killing time. consciously, everything needs to have meaning and depth. but what if everything registers at the same decibel inevitably and even meaning loses its meaning?
but paris inspires me, amongst other things.
i love the french for their quirkiness, eccentricity and absurdity. these things are still beautiful to me. it captivates me and seduces my soul. on the note of beauty, our definitions of beauty varies. it differs culturally and on an intrapersonal level, soulfully. beauty, for me, is trudging down the meandering streets of paris, alone, with my beret and trenchcoat. beauty is finding myself in a foreign country where everyone utters gibberish which i cannot understand but deeply know. beauty is being foreign yet feeling familiar. beauty is sitting by the parisian al fresco cafes with a book, camera, pen, paper and perhaps my laptop as i endeavour carelessly on a book. beauty is coincidence, beauty is the birds of fortuities (in milan kundera's the book of laughter and forgetting). beauty is not being able to multi-task, yet reading six books at once. beauty is running my fingers down the tombstones of jean paul sartre and simone de beauvoir and letting my tears flow, tears i cannot understand yet know soulfully. beauty is wanting to be intertwined with an other yet craving solitude. beauty is in art, not just in the natural but also the man-made - an outward expression of the inward self. beauty is finding art in a warehouse, not an art museum. beauty is beholding my favourite piece of art and crying with it because i understand how it feels. beauty is what art invokes in me. beauty is being serenaded by row after row of art as i saunter down the aisles, coming to terms with the depth of beauty. beauty is dining in candlelight with my favourite piece of art blown to life-size, right next to me. beauty is singing in abandon, dancing in abandon and expressing myself in abandon, freely, wilfully, without a care.
dont gatekeep, dont censor, just let beauty be. because beauty liberates, beauty invokes something tender deep in your heart.
beauty is.
beauty is.
it seems a large pattern of my definitions of beauty has to do with contradictions, antithesis and negations. but those things truly are beauty to me.
i still crave to experiment. to be experimental. i only have one life. and i want to live it fully. i want to try everything before i tell myself no, it's difficult or it's impossible. just try! i want to create. i want to wear my own creations, my own art. perhaps i'l learn how to make jewellery. i cant wear my writing, i cant wear music. but i can wear accessories. and i love them.
and i always thought i'll find myself in paris. i know that i love paris, but what if, what if paris loves me in return?
"The death of the heart is the most horrible death there is."
-- oscar wilde in paris je' taime.
"I try my best to write of love and pain and explore how we humans treat each other, and what our souls are trying to get out at the same time. Performing is my meditation; writing my traveling companion. These songs are as truthful and in the moment as I could be at this point in my life. They are observational, touching, but with a sense of hopefulness that every piece, and each bit of pain had a reason. So that nothing is wasted. The never can be happenstance."
-- rachael yamagata
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| is intellectual pursuit a hideout for pain?
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| of all musical instruments, i love the string instrument - particularly the violin. whenever i hear the violin, it jolts me to my senses. i am drawn by the sound of familiarity. here is the doldrum of my friend, my confidante. the strained pain, of being drawn by the bow. how it mulls along, quietly in melancholy, in soltitude, suffering the torment of the bow.
"is the bow my lot in life?" the violin wails. torment, suffering and madness - a succession of the recurring warped. shall this be the artist's tragedy? to be good, the artist needs to be strung and played. relentlessly, relentlessly.
until she hears her inward cry, the bleeding sound of pain.
here is her art; this is my torment.
"you give me miles and miles of mountains and i'll ask for the sea."
-- damien rice, volcano
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| All of my life I've had a longing for knowledge,
and all which lets my thoughts be free.
Duties for which I'm destined seem to haunt me,
confusing all I really want to be.
And I see you again and I know it's true,
The dreams that have left me cold and once again
Together we'll find the strength to make love real.
Because I wanted to do what I know is true,
my thoughts lead me on i only see one way
the way to what lies beyond us now.
Though I see you again and I know it's true,
My dreams that have left me cold and once again
Together we'll find the strength to make love real.
Because I wanted to do what I know is true
My thoughts lead me on i only see one way
The way to what lies beyond I will follow my heart.
-- what lies beyond (two birds flying), sarah mclachlan.
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| this is so exciting!!! i hope i get it! please please please i really want this!
adventure! spontaneity! all i want in a job!
on a side note, if you dont know something you shd always ask. prepare a list of questions before you meet the person on friday and ask them all so you wont go home with a lack of knowledge/information. if you dont ask all that you need to know, you only have yourself to blame. so ask ask ask.
and pr is a really fun and exciting industry. it shdnt have to be mundane. your job is as fun as you make it out to be. be daring! be adventurous! dont gatekeep yourself! be experimental! do the insane!
attempt the "can we really do that?!"
i heart pr. it can be exciting. in fact its one of the most exciting and craziest industries ever. you just need to keep pushing the envelope and not be afraid of suggesting crazy ideas that make pple go "whhhhat?!"
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